Monthly Archives: September 2004

So what’s next?

It doesn’t matter how tight your seat belt is, when the oxygen masks drop it’s a whole new game.

Well I have made a drastic move that I do not wholly agree with. Although it would have happened eventually giving my nature. I fear commitment because I do not like to be tied down. It’s why I have yet to have a steady job and it’s why I am horrible at relationships.

At a moments notice I want to be able to just go off in a new direction if that’s they way my heart, tempered by my mind, takes me. I mean this in a spiritual sense rather than a physical sense, however I will not deny that curiosity.

What if I were given the chance to live in Europe for a year? I would have to leave everything in the States behind while I took off on the journey. Even more so complicated, what if I liked it to the point that I wanted to stay? If I were in a relationship I would want for her to join me, but who can ask that of another person? I couldn’t ask someone to join me half way across the world. I couldn’t ask them to change everything they are and change their plans, just to suit what I want.

More than likely a few years later I would want to try new things again and travel or change life drastically so that I can feel as if I am living life to its fullest. It’s my nature to want to experience everything (well mostly everything). This is why I said the things I did and instigated what I did (Moving onto what is causing these feelings). I know that I won’t be happy if I remain where I am and do the same things for the rest of my life. I need excitement every day, something new or different, something that grabs me and shakes life into me.

Since before I can remember I’ve had this drive to experience so many different things. I can’t change who I am and I don’t expect others to change who they are solely on my whim. This is why I am so troubled at this moment. I think too much and I start to look to the future. I realize that the girl for me will be open to changes and participate in what I enjoy. I want someone who will be right by my side through it all and not just a token that travels along. I want her to challenge me, I want her to take a dominant role at times. I want to be 50/50, partners in love until the end of time. Most of all I want her desires to match those of mine. So, when we do move or take a trip or even play a stupid card game it is not solely my decision but one we both enjoy and want to do.

I’ve been lucky enough to be blessed with the most wonderful, kindest, beautiful and sweetest girl that I have ever seen. She’s one of a kind and has managed to steal my heart in no way that I thought a girl could ever do. We have done everything together over the past year and I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for all the gold in the world.

That is why I am so troubled. I know that I want to be free, but at the same time I can never see myself without her. She isn’t what I’d call the most adventuresome girl. She really dislikes change and anything foreign to her. I’d like to think that I have been successful in curbing her ways to try new experiences and ideas. But, how far can I go without being too demanding and too selfish? I feel as if I am trying to shape her into what I want and not allowing her to be who she is. Thus my dilemma is apparent. I don’t know what I truly want more and most of all I don’t know what she wants. I don’t know if I am willing to sacrifice who I want to be for what I know and love. I just don’t know much of anything right now. I do know that such an internal struggle can not be good for the body. I’ve been feeling a little under the weather read:sick to my stomach since I first expressed the basis, yet horribly spoken feelings inside me.

For the time being I wait and ponder on who I am and what I want. The outcomes of this event will forever alter who I am. If they ever question where to highlight a big turning point in my life after I have left this world, now would be the ripe location. I am very appreciative to all the friends who have lent their ears and given feedback. I know everything will work out as they should in the end and we will grow stronger, this I do have faith in.

Off topic: I can’t believe I posted all that, but there you go. As for other things in the news. I have started making images and I might even have some song lyrics to post in the musings page. However as usual with the song lyrics I will likely only get one solid verse or a chorus and run out of ideas. Look forward to these being up real soon.

Goodnight and go shatter a cube, not a heart